Loss and Finding Nirvana

First, the audio in the most recent uploaded episode was choppy.  I apologize. I have uploaded a new file that is clearer.

This Wednesday is National Physician Suicide Awareness Day [9/17].  This Wednesday, there will be a re-release of the episode with Dr. Dominic Corrigan, the co-founder of Physicians Anonymous. Why? I am appreciative of the platform, the story behind it, and I volunteer as a facilitator for one of the meetings. 

-Physicians need a space to be humans.

Loss.  It is inevitable.  It can be physical, like the loss of a loved one, or emotional. It can be psychological or emotional.  I have always looked at loss as the price of love.  Why? 

If it doesn’t hurt or if I don’t shed tears [not applicable to absolutely every scenario], then I asked myself, did I love completely?

-I am not a crier, but I do cry with the loss of a family member or pet. 

-Tears are love coming out is what I have been told. 

-Loss can be a maker or breaker.  What does that mean?

In 2019, my best friend from medical school and residency, and subsequently, [Dr. Peg Bicker, MD] took her life.   I struggled to understand. I mourned a dear person and colleague.

I started to read why a physician would want to take her life. She was full of love, compassion, and made being on call at 3 am look fabulous. 

-I started to read about burnout, moral injury, and physician suicide. The numbers were astonishing.

-I became scared. 

-I re-evaluated and thought, “What in the hell am I doing?”

A year passed, and I was unsure how to process the year of her death.

I am aware that this blog post is choppy, but it is so difficult to write about.

-I went to a therapist to try and process something that could not and still cannot be rationalized.

-Why would suicide be an option? 

-I started this podcast initially as an echo chamber, trying to understand the why.

-It grew, and I am thankful for the stories that have been shared and what I have learned through this process.

-Beyond answering the question as to a possible why or how, I have grown to be a better human, physician, and parent. 

Loss can be a catalyst, yet, do grieve. Grief is not linear. It’s a hot mess that pokes its ugly head at the wrong times, but I try to accept it where it happens and when it happens.

I talk to the person who has been gone as if they were there at times. It is a way for me to grieve or honor their memory.

As Dr. Kaur openly discussed during our conversation on the last podcast episode, she faced loss.  She also wanted to pursue her professional nirvana. How does an individual take those steps?

The first step is to change the thinking.  Our professional lives should not necessarily degrade or go against our personal morals, values, and well-being.

Accepting that we deserve to be truly happy, and it is possible while being in a profession of service.

Creating time and space to make a list, mind map, or ‘road map’ out how you want to get to where you want to be/ create your nirvana.

I am aware that this is a generic brush with which to paint life or our profession. The point is to look at what you can do to change your situation.  I am aware it is not possible for everyone. 

I would challenge and ask the question, so then, for how long does this season of life need to exist, and what is the next season? What is that going to look like? When is it coming? How do you prepare for it?

What we do have control over: our reactions to a situation. If I don’t like how today is going, what can I do to make tomorrow more tolerable?